The Virtue of Prudence: Making Relationship a Priority

In this article, we’re going to explore why relationships need to be very, very high on our priority list.

People seek happiness in all sorts of ways. Some seek happiness through physical pleasures and possessions. Others through self-fulfillment, self-improvement and self-esteem. But these sources of happiness are fleeting and ultimately unfulfilling. They leave us wanting for more, never satisfied. On the other hand, relationships bring us happiness on a number of very fulfilling levels:

• We are made for communion with each other. People seeking self-fulfillment will never achieve it alone
• Relationships open our lives to transcendent goods – things like truth, beauty and justice – that we can only truly enjoy in relationship with others
• Giving ourselves as gifts to others maximizes our desire and motivation to be the best we can be – for their sake rather than for our own
• Relationships motivate us to use physical pleasure and possessions responsibly so we can be the best for those we love and share the goods of creation with others.

In short, relationships fulfill more of our human nature, are (usually) longer lasting than any other source of happiness, and inspire us to attain all other sources of happiness for good, balanced, healthy reasons.

The Challenge of Relationships

Relationships take time and energy to develop – but the rewards are definitely worthwhile

If this is true, then why are our families and our friends the first things that we sacrifice when the going gets rough? Well, let’s think about it. While relationships make us incredibly happy when they’re going good, we also know that

• Relationships require a lot of time and energy
• Relationships are much more risky than other pursuits
• When relationships go bad, they can cause a lot of pain
• Let’s be honest – relationships are just a dang mystery. How to build good relationships just escapes us most of the time (as a husband and father – I am painfully aware of this).

Busyness and chaos ruin our relationships. Busyness and chaos ruin our happiness.

The Virtue of Prudence to the Rescue!

So can you handle some more good news?

Relationship building is a set of social skills that can be learned. The more time and effort we put into learning these skills and putting them into practice, the better our relationships can get. Yes, there is that pesky fact that relationships require more than one person, but there is a lot that you can do to maximize them. That’s why it is important to make our relationships the highest priority.

The virtue of prudence is the habit of identifying a true good and making a plan to attain it. Now that we have identified relationships as a high priority in life, we need to make a plan to strengthen the important relationships in our lives.

The Relationship Progression

To keep our relationships healthy, we must continue to revisit the stages of building a relationship. We first build trust, then intimacy, then commitment, then love. Keeping our relationships healthy means strengthening all of these vital elements. Of course, doing so takes lots of time (the subject of this series).

Carefree Timelessness – Catholic speaker Matthew Kelly coined this term in his talks. Our loved ones need more from us than passing attention. Relationships grow in time the way plants grow in soil. They need to be immersed in it. Carefree timelessness is the total gift of ourselves to our friends and family. It means spending time completely immersed in them – giving them our undivided, undistracted selves. You’ll know you’ve given this gift when you are so involved with being with other person that you completely lose track of time and aren’t at all worried about it. This is what it truly means to put our relationships first.

As a writer and at-home entrepreneur, I have a difficult time giving carefree timelessness even as a stay-home dad. However, I have discovered the ancient secret of Sundays. Besides going to Mass, what better way to keep the Lord’s Day holy than by dedicating it to God and family? So Sundays are my days to give to my family and friends – to turn off my busy brain – and to just be with those I love.

Problem-Solving Communication: Conflict is inevitable in any relationship this side of Heaven. Do you assume that conflict (over money or sex or children) is the number one cause of divorce? Wrong! The number one cause of divorce is the lack of conflict. Surprising? You see, conflict between fallen human beings is inevitable. So if a married couple reports that they never have conflict, the truth is really that they are not facing the conflict. And failure to face and resolve conflict is really the number one cause of divorce. The skill for handling conflict is problem-solving communication. The number one rule is don’t attack the individual; solve the problem.

Changing Yourself: Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busters teaches about the power of changing yourself. We have all heard the truism “you can’t change the other person.” With the qualified exception of shaping children through discipline, this is very true. The focus within most relationships really needs to be on how you can love the other person more completely. So if there is something in the relationship that you don’t like, seek out a way that you can change your attitude or actions. The power comes in what psychologists call the “Law of Reciprocity.” If you make positive changes that really serve and love the other person, the other person is much more likely to reciprocate by making changes of their own.

Time: the Key to Building Healthy Relationships

The key to every single one of these “secrets” to healthy relationships is time. We need to make our relationships a priority. We need to consciously block off time for our relationships (Yes – schedule your carefree timelessness! Just don’t schedule the end of your time together). Don’t squeeze it between things. Treat your relationships like the priorities they need to be. Get it on your calendar or it won’t happen! Don’t let busyness and overwhelm get in the way of love.

Now, we must always keep in mind (humility demands it) that our relationships will never be perfect. Human beings suffer from the effects of Original Sin. We must learn to forgive ourselves, forgive each other, and heal. But there is one way we will experience perfect relationships and perfect happiness. God has created us to be in covenant with him. Perfect relationships and perfect happiness will finally be fulfilled in the eternal covenant in Heaven. But let’s not wait for Heaven to begin cooperating with God’s grace to improve our lives in this world! Let’s start living the moral virtue of prudence right now – and taking time to build our relationships.

Bottom Line: It’s not how holy you are now that matters in your spiritual growth, it’s how committed you are to growing in holiness.

And a great way to commit yourself to grow in holiness is to establish habits that open your heart to what God wants to do in you through his grace. From the Abbey can help you grow in specific spiritual virtues to help you build a spirituality that fits into your daily life. Check out the special opportunity below!

Brought to you by Jeffrey S. Arrowood at From the Abbey, dedicated to helping you rediscover the JOY of learning and living your faith so you can grow in intimacy with God.

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