Lasting Friendships – Not Even Death Can Destroy True Friendship

Cultivating and nurturing good Christian friendship is an important part of Catholic spiritual growth. Unfortunately, there are some influences in our lives that make it difficult for us to even want to put the effort and energy into cultivating lasting friendships. Nurturing friendship is hard work! Depending on your age, it might surprise you to think about our human mortality as an impediment to making friends. But if it’s not an influence now, it can most certainly be in the future. At some point, people start thinking, “Why should I bother with going out and making new friends? All of my friends are dying, and I’ll die soon anyway.” However, our mortality can have a different influence on friendships for Christians.

Does Death Make Lasting Friendships Futile?

Obviously, death physically separates us. But the idea of death actually separates us even more. As we get older, the loss of friends and loved ones becomes an increasing reality. Unfortunately, even within the Catholic Church our erroneous view of death makes us dread this loss. This attitude makes it difficult for older people to make new friends. Why invest ourselves in new lasting friendships when death is just going to steal those friendships away anyway?

The sad thing is that not only is this cynicism unnecessary, but it’s also actually a sign of how poorly we as Catholics understand and live our faith. Do we really believe that Jesus conquered and transformed death through his Resurrection? Do we really believe in the Communion of the Saints – the unity of the Church Militant, the Church Suffering and the Church Triumphant? Do we really believe in God’s power to bring good out of evil?

The True Nature of Death

If we did, we’d learn to see death in a completely different light. Yes, in the natural world death is evil. It’s the separation of the body from the soul. It’s the separation of the living on earth from the dead. But when Jesus conquered and transformed death, he turned it into a gateway to glory. As the book of Wisdom tells us,

But the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God,
and no torment will ever touch them.
In the eyes of the foolish they seemed to have died,
and their departure was thought to be a disaster,
and their going from us to be their destruction;
but they are at peace.
For though in the sight of others they were punished,
their hope is full of immortality (Wisdom 3:1-4)

Death is not the end of us. In many ways, it’s our beginning. Just because we can’t see our loved ones who have died doesn’t mean that they are not present to us. When we die, we pass into judgment. Based on our choice to live a relationship with Jesus or not, we go to Heaven (usually through Purgatory until we reach perfection) or to Hell. But we live on in one of those places. Only the souls in Hell are truly separated from us. And we never know if someone is in Hell. We assume (unless they are declared a saint) that they are in Purgatory. The souls in Purgatory (the Church Suffering) are still in communion with the Church! In fact, they need our prayers. We can commune with our friends who have “passed on.” We can still love them and do what is good for them by praying for their purgation so they can pass into Heaven. The spiritual communion of a true Christian friendship cannot be severed by any physical change, including death. And true separation is the severance of spiritual communion, even if our friend is still physically close.

How Death Can Actually Deepen Your Friendships

In fact, the love of true friendship becomes even more tender and spiritual in the absence of the physical good that our friends bring to the relationship. Our love for our dead friends who cannot offer us physical presence, support or comfort in return is more selfless and pure.

And what of the regrets that so often come with the death of a friend? We should have spent more time together. I should have called him. We should have gotten together the last time we had the chance. Even these regrets can be a good thing for us. They point out weaknesses in our love for others. From the death of a friend, we may learn to be more patient with the friends that remain with us in this world. We may learn greater sympathy. When we think of the things we didn’t say to or do with our deceased loved one, it may make us more determined to say and do what is good and nurturing to our remaining friends. And of course, since death does not truly separate Christian friends, it is never too late anyway.

Get the Right Attitude!

A wrong attitude toward death can indeed be an impediment to friendship. It can make us hesitant to give our hearts away. But when we recognize what our faith teaches us about death, the impediment should disappear. A proper understanding of death is foundational for our spiritual growth and for lasting friendships.

Bonus Tip: 

The key to changing any behavior – including strengthening your relationships – is to systematize your behavior into habit formation. From the Abbey helps you to develop key spiritual virtues in the five areas of your “Inner Abbey” that make up a lay spirituality. Would you like help to build a “lay rule of life” that can help you develop more meaningful friendships with God and with other people? Please seriously consider the special opportunity I’ve chosen for you below. I’d love to have you join us in building true Christian friendships!

Brought to you by Jeffrey S. Arrowood at From the Abbey, dedicated to helping you rediscover the JOY of learning and living your faith so you can grow in intimacy with God.