Christian Friendship: How Materialism May Be Ruining Your Friendships

(and we all do this to some degree)

Cultivating and nurturing good Christian friendship is an important part of Catholic spiritual growth. To be truly effective at nourishing good relationships, we need to be aware of the influences and attitudes that can damage our relationships. One such negative influence is materialism.

Now, I’m not just talking about the “give me, give me, give me – I want more” kind of consumerism that is so common in our culture today – though that is certainly one manifestation of materialism. Philosophically speaking, materialism is the attitude that this physical world is all that really matters – or all that really exists. It’s basically spiritual shortsightedness. The physical world is all I can see, so that must be all that exists.

What does materialism do to a relationship?

Any real human relationship is an integration of physical and spiritual dimensions because they are based on human nature, which is an integration of body and spirit. When we neglect the spiritual dimension of friendship, we destroy the meaningfulness of human relationships.

• Materialism makes relationships pragmatic. When we enter into a relationship asking, “What’s in it for me?” we short circuit the trust process. Friends are people to be loved. But materialists place a value on friendship based on the benefits of that relationship. They use other people. Therefore, other people cannot trust them without being fools. To trust a materialist means to let yourself be used. Such trust creates a one-way flow of goodness at worst, and a contractual quid-quo-pro relationship at best.
• Materialism makes a relationship shallow. A materialistic relationship sees no value in intimacy. In fact, opening yourself to intimacy with a pragmatist can be dangerous. It means giving him or her leverage over you. It means showing “all your cards” and weakening your bargaining position. Doesn’t really sound like Christian friendship, does it? Materialistic relationships tend to be shallow for this very reason. If intimacy does happen within a materialistic relationship, it is done for psychological reasons. It lacks a true spiritual connection and sympathy of heart.
• Materialism makes a relationship short-lived. Because of the pragmatic nature of materialistic relationships, commitment is always conditional. Pragmatic relationships only last as long as the perceived benefit outweighs the perceived cost of the relationship, or until a better offer comes along. There is nothing on which to base a long-term commitment. So materialistic relationships don’t last.
• Materialism makes us selfish. By now I probably don’t even have to say this. It should be obvious that the very nature of a materialistic, pragmatic relationship is selfishness. What possible foundation for selfless love would a materialistic relationship have? Is there a material gain to selflessness? No. Is there a return on investment for selflessness? Not in any material way, no. The only foundation for selfless love is spiritual.

Cultivating True Christian Friendship

In short, materialism leads to relationships that are short-circuited in trust, intimacy, commitment and love. Now, most of us are not going to be out-and-out materialists. But we all have materialistic tendencies. It’s a good thing to be aware of in ourselves. If you catch yourself slipping into treating any of your relationships in a “what’s in it for me” attitude, stop yourself and change your perspective. Don’t forget that we are spiritual as well as physical creatures. A true relationship has to satisfy the spirit, not just the body. A true Christian friendship transcends the individuals and draws both outward in love.

Fortunately for us, the love of friendship is a skill that we can learn – and learning that skill opens us to the grace of Charity that in turn empowers us to love even more completely. That’s called cooperating with grace. If you’re looking for help cooperating with grace, please take a look at the opportunity below that I have picked out for you. From the Abbey exists to help Catholic laity rediscover the JOY of learning and living their faith, especially by helping you to grow in specific spiritual virtues that build a “lay rule of life.” Learn how to build your spiritual life in the midst of your daily life.

Brought to you by Jeffrey S. Arrowood at From the Abbey, dedicated to helping you rediscover the JOY of learning and living your faith so you can grow in intimacy with God.