Christian Friendship: Avoiding the Vice of Discord
The attempt to build a good Christian friendship is not an easy task. It takes not just time, effort, and persistence, but also the development of social virtues and avoiding social vices. Some of the social vices we need to avoid include
- Selfishness
- Materialism
- Shallowness
- Neglect
One of the most damaging social vices is the vice of discord. Discord is simply a lack of agreement or harmony. It can sometimes be caused by real disagreements between friends about things such as politics, morality, or theological truth. But it’s most damaging when it comes from a quarrelous personality trait.
Causes of Discord
People with quarrelous personalities sometimes have a need to always be right. I experienced this social vice in a participant of a Bible study that I led for my parish. Whatever answer to the study questions somebody from the group gave, this woman felt the need to challenge it or to clarify it. She had a need to make herself the authority. She even challenged my teaching (which was well researched) and the teaching of the video we were using. Her issue wasn’t actually with the teachings of the Church. She wasn’t fighting for a heterodox position (or against one). She just needed to be the one with all of the answers. As a result, she caused a lot of strife within our Bible study group.
A quarrelous personality may also have its roots in our temperament (the more permanent and emotional part of our personality). Each temperament has its strengths and weaknesses, and part of growing in virtue is to strive against the weaknesses. People with a choleric temperament, for example, are quick to anger and typically have abrupt and forceful personalities. This temperament can contribute to great leadership, but it can also be the cause of strife. People with a melancholic temperament are quiet, withdrawn, and internal. This temperament can contribute to personalities that are thoughtful, peaceful, and strongly empathetic. However, it can also lead people to become brooding, peevish, and sullen. These negative tendencies can lead someone to hold grudges and to, therefore, sow discord by expressing bitterness.
I tend to be a melancholic personality. Recently, my son broke my trust by stealing an electronic device from me and consistently lying about it over the course of weeks as my wife and I became increasingly suspicious of his covert actions. I am struggling with feelings of betrayal and weariness (lying and sneaking are ongoing tendencies in ou son). My wife is pleading with me to reconcile with him, but I can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. I feel myself becoming sullen and bitter, and I have not talked to my son more than I need to. Since I know that this is a weakness of my temperament, I will work hard to shake these deep-seated feelings and to reconcile with him. But it may take me a while to parse out righteous anger (and what to do about it) from sullen discord.
One final cause of discord can be learned bad habits (vices). For example, poor communication in an intimate relationship can lead to bad habits like stonewalling or defensiveness. These bad habits can grow and build on each other, eventually (and sometimes sneakily) contributing to discord in the relationship. Ironically, one of the main learned causes of discord is the avoidance of conflict. When we try to ignore or bury conflict, it festers and comes out in passive-aggressive ways. Instead, when conflict is faced respectfully, modestly, and with the desire for truth, it can strengthen the relationship instead of causing discord.
I recently encountered an example of this as I reflected on the contrast between arguments I’ve witnessed on Twitter and an argument I had with a good friend of mine. On Twitter, arguments are done with sound-bite statements that quickly degrade into insults and sarcasm. These are really evasion techniques. They are not true arguments that seek the truth. They simply assert an opinion and shut down all opposition. In contrast, when my friend and I found ourselves on opposite sides of a point-of-view, she asked me for the reasons for my belief. She listened respectfully. Then she affirmed the arguments she found convincing and challenged the ones she did not. I then returned the favor for her. In the end, we both came away from the discussion enriched and with a lot to think about. We came closer to the truth together, and our relationship was strengthened.
The Effects of Discord on Christian Friendship
The problem with discord is that it can sneak up on us. The effects of discord are not always immediate and obvious. They can also be a slow poison. This is especially true when our friends are forgiving and gracious. But eventually, discord will destroy any relationship if it is not corrected. Here are some of the primary effects of discord.
The effect of discord on the friendship itself is multi-layered. At the top layer are the obvious effects of strife. Friends get angry at each other. People may not enjoy being around you as much as they used to. The effects on relationships may also run deeper. Injury at the hand of a friend always feels like betrayal. Your friend’s heart may slowly harden against you because of the sense of being betrayed. You may never know these effects until your friendship is over.
Discord also has an effect on the person we call a friend. A person on the receiving end of discord often feels unloved and inadequate. He or she makes the assumption that you are arguing out of disrespect or because you really think your friend doesn’t know anything. In effect, you’re tearing your friend down even though you don’t mean to.
Finally, discord has an effect on your own heart. Strife makes your own heart cold and barren. It draws you away from Christ-like love to selfishness and pettiness. In fact, since the root of discord is ultimately selfishness, to allow this vice to go unchecked feeds selfishness.
Strengthen Your Social Virtues
If you identify the vice of discord in yourself, the good news is that you can overcome it by practicing the virtues of Christian friendship. The most powerful way to cooperate with grace to combat a vice is to practice the opposite virtues. One of the opposite virtues of discord is meekness. Meekness means not always needing to be heard. Practice this virtue by keeping your peace. Recognize that you don’t always nd to be heard. Listen more than you talk. When you feel like disagreeing with your friends, instead try asking them questions. Pray the Litany of Humility and choose the parts of that prayer that most relate to you and try to put them into action. Remember to begin and end all of your efforts with prayer. Friendship is one way Jesus gives us to train us in selfless love. Fostering good Christian friendship and the social virtues that feed them is an important part of lay spirituality.
If you’d like more help developing social virtues, as well as the other virtues that build your lay rule of life, please seriously consider the special opportunity below to work more closely with From the Abbey. Our mission is to help you learn and live your faith.
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